waiting to live

I’ve stopped wondering why

And I am coming to accept 

The people I can’t change,

The situations I can’t change

And the wounds I can’t heal.

I wish desperately to be

A force of love and peace,

But this leg my journey has been

A lesson in fragility,

A reminder that everyone lives

In their own perceived world:

Often one where they overlook the pain

And loneliness in their loved ones,

Not by intention, but by exhaustion.

With a veneer of happiness

We say our pleasantries

And so little of substance.

And then we move on

We get on the highway, or a flight,

And we go back to our secluded worlds

Where so little of what matters

Is shared across these great divides,

The pain, the love, the yearning.

The truths of our hearts

Packed deep into those suitcases.

And I realize this is outside my control,

While I lay my dirty laundry out,

My loved ones look beyond it still

And see me as they hope me to be:

For my strength, the facade of stability,

Of happiness, of hope,

But I want them to see me

And the rags that pile around my heart.

Countless nights crying alone

Reliving my painful memories,

Bearing the weight of empathy

And working tirelessly to grow.

I want everyone to see me

Beyond the smile I face the world with 

And appreciate me for my weakness,

My bitter aspirations

And the foolish hope I suffer.