At some point in my journey, not so long ago, I looked back into the most broken part of myself. For years this was a cold, dark room in my heart where my child-self was curled up tightly, crying out for acceptance. This was a part of myself I had sealed away to become numb, to become comfortable in this world of suffering.
Except this time it looked unrecognizable. I could no longer ignore the countless rays of light that had pierced through my thickest walls. Beside that boy were dozens of people who made their way in despite my fierce resistance. My chosen family. People who comforted me and filled a void left by my childhood. So many people I couldn’t believe it. People that gave me kindness I didn’t think I deserved, even back when I was rabid and stray. People that saw something in me which I tried to abandon.
At last, the shell around my heart broke down completely. I began speaking with my mother again, I began opening my heart to my sister, even if she didn’t respond– and the same with my brother. I found the strength to begin the process of healing with my biological family, and I resolved myself not to take anything for granted.
From that point on I felt I had no choice but to do the same as my chosen family did for me. I told myself that I am going to bring as many people as my arms can gather into the world I want to live in, and as I become stronger I’ll gather even more. I will appreciate people as they are, rather than how they could be. I will see the beauty through their faults and cherish it, watering and nurturing it with the faith that one day these efforts will bear fruit.
The time since this realization has felt like an eternity. Still my heart grows wider no matter how much suffering I let in. I continue to spread the light that was gifted to me out into the world. That little kid in the corner of my heart now dances freely in sweeping pastures full of fruit trees. Flowers of every color and shape bloom through my actions without me even thinking about it.
What I was searching for all those years found me. I know now that it was never far away, but the courage to embrace it was something I had to find on my own. I never could have done this without my chosen family, or more accurately, the family that chose me. The family that looked into that corner of my heart I didn’t dare venture and tirelessly chipped away at those walls until they became windows.
Now I live to share the love that was trapped in my heart with as many people as I can. For all I have suffered, this world is becoming just a little bit more like the one I want to live in. For all the years I spent waiting to live, I have finally made it to a place I only dreamed of. A place where I can feel the softness of the morning sun against my skin again. A place where I can appreciate the smallest parts of life and smile for nothing more than the gratitude to be alive for another day.
I am grateful for every step I took to get to where I am today. I cleansed my regrets under the light of this great realization: if I had never known such suffering, I would have never known such joy.
On this blog you’ll find a variety of poems, essays, and ramblings of mine from throughout the years. Some are many years old, some are brand new. Thank you for becoming a part of this long journey.
waiting to live 