waiting to live

We feasted

On TV productions

Of glamorous lifestyles

And called it sustenance.

We starved

While we begged for more,

On every social media platform

Crying in a lonely chorus,

We drank

From the moldy faucet

Of malnourished models,

Makeup and plastic surgery.

We thirsted

With nobody around us

And millions of followers,

We begged for validation.

We were trapped.

We were born of the machine

And told to punch the buttons

While it rusted around us.

With every light flashing green

They told us to keep going,

To keep drinking

And to keep feasting.

Surrounded by distractions

It was all we knew,

Sustenance of the soul

Was but a fairytale to us.

Our stomachs were empty

And our throats burned shut.

We had nothing,

But on the screen we had it all.

What more could you need

Than what’s on the screen?

What joy, to sew your heart shut

With these cheap, cheap pleasures.

I sat there, quietly,

On a log by the Huron river

In a secluded corner of Cedar Bend,

And I wept.

I knew nobody would hear me,

I knew nobody would see me.

For so long I lost track

I listened to the wash of sounds–

To the birds, the cicadas, 

The lapping of water against the shore,

And even the buzz of flies, of mosquitoes,

The annoyances I once swatted away,

And I thanked them.

I was done taking anything for granted.

For years I fought desperately

To wrench control from the world,

To find some semblance of consistency,

To predict the flow of my life.

I came to understand the flowers 

Which had bloomed

Of my ill informed effort 

To grasp something more

Were rotten at their roots.

Nothing pollinated them,

And they withered quickly

Without bearing fruit.

Nobody noticed them,

Nobody saw me.

I felt completely alone.

I was ashamed. 

Ashamed for what I had suffered,

Ashamed for my lack of strength,

Ashamed to burden others.

I was scared of the truth,

Scared to embrace my suffering–

To wear it proudly…

I wouldn’t dare.

I couldn’t.

When I came to the grand realization

That what blossoms from our suffering

Is the height of love and understanding,

I wept.

I wept so loudly

And so freely!

Careless to who might hear

Or who might see.

And finally I felt my new flowers 

Touched gently by pollinators of my heart,

By friends, colleagues, and lovers,

As I knelt humbly across years of service.

I felt no end to the sweet nectar 

Which arose from my suffering.

I was not afraid to be seen crying,

I was not afraid to read my poems.

I was finally at peace.

I was able to surrender

That fear of judgement, and

I came to love myself.

Athough there is so far to go, 

So much to learn, so much to understand,

I need nothing, and I want nothing, at last.

I am one with the loving forces of the world.

I ask nothing more of them, for

I understand that I belong:

Not how I was, or how I could be,

But exactly the way I am.

Do you really want to know?

This isn’t a party trick,

I’m not trying to please anyone.

I write this because I have to.

This is the bucket I use to bail

Gallons and gallons of repressed feelings

From the deepest wounds in my heart

Before they sink me.

Do you really want to know?

Its not about rhyming,

Describing a theme neatly,

Or painting a beautiful picture.

When this window opens,

Whatever is waiting in my heart

Will pour into the world

And there’s nothing I can do to stop it.

It takes everything I’ve got

To keep it shut on a normal day,

But if you really want to know

Let’s be washed away together.

What does it take

To be truly free?

Free from this heavy smile,

From the regret that hangs over me,

Free from the loneliness

That aches in every bone…

What does it take

To find people worth my time?

That I’ll invest my hopes in

And have them invest in me

With no expectation of reward

Just a faith in my worth,

How long! Oh

How long I have waited

To see the day my dreams would come

And save me from the pit I carved,

For the rays of light that danced

Just beyond my grasp.

How long I have waited

To have someone embrace me

With no hesitation or fear,

To be welcomed, to belong,

To be dear to someone, to anyone!

To have no doubts left…

And gradually,

Like waking from a long dream

I can see that light all around me

And within me, reaching out.

Even though I suffer still

My smile doesn’t, my hope doesn’t,

Because I am free!

In a way that took time to believe,

Free from my own delusions,

Free from seeing people as I want to

But as they are,

And in turn to be seen, and loved…

Exactly the way I am,

And for nothing more or less.

There is no such thing

As good art

Or bad art.

There’s just art.

There is such thing as pure and impure art:

Art can be tainted by derivation

Or it can glow with self discovery and still,

There is no such thing as bad art.

You don’t have to be an artist either.

We make art unintentionally.

From your first breath until now

Your path is your creation.

The style crafted by your experiences

Is woven into your being,

Wield it thoughtfully or carelessly,

All of it is art!

We fumble to grace,

Like bark beetles writhing in darkness-

But to break into the light someday

Blind to the beauty in our wake.

The magic we can thoughtfully make

As a bridge to our hearts, to crystallize

The beauty and pain

Of being alive-

That is pure art,

Worth living and dying for.

The opinions of others mean nothing!

Your art,

Is your art.

Your art is you!

Revel in it,

For that is to truly, deeply, love yourself!

Ah that momentous day 

For our class to leave the nest

And take on the world!

The sun was high

And the smiles were wide,

But not mine.

I had no one beside me,

And I tried to hide my stunted wings

Built on years of glue and wax, for

I knew I could not deceive 

A single member of my class.

It was time to face the facts.

While others revelled in their friendships,

Lovers, and family,

I sat there alone, and I cried,

I tried to hide my tears, but couldn’t.

I was so lonely I felt it burning,

As if it would dissolve my stomach

And spill my guts into the world

As I had done so many times 

Before potential friends and lovers,

Scared them off in droves, I did.

And still, almost 10 years on,

I sing the same song,

Slightly less lonely now

But with no illusions.

The path I’ve chosen to walk is fraught

With self doubt

And chosen suffering.

Because to honor my heart is to reject

So much of convention that I’ll never,

Ever fool anyone, much less myself

That I can be embraced by everyone

The way I want to be.

But I’ll be god damned

If I don’t create the world that I want,

Even if it’s made of wax!

Though I may never take flight,

In my little corner of life

I am building a resplendent garden 

For any and all to come

And revel in unconditional acceptance.

See you there!

The soft morning light

Filled my soul with peace.

Like a lover’s touch

Delicate against my cheek,

Finally, after fighting a world

That’s turned countless hearts to stone 

I let go,

And I learned to embrace it all.

Tortured hearts, tortured minds,

Gentle spirits still in binds

Find me. I am here

With my branches spread wide

And ever growing.

There is room for all.

My love does not discriminate.

Come to me for rest, 

And from this sacred vessel

I shall pour out life anew.

I stare blankly into nothingness,

The cigarette burning my fingers,

Stale smoke clings to my clothes

But I don’t care anymore.

Accumulating between the bricks

Was a magic sludge of cigarette butts,

Overchewed gum, coagulated grime,

And nothingness, perfect nothingness.

To be forgotten, to be nothing at all,

What a gift to be ignored.

I’ve trodden these bricks for years

Without appreciating that nothingness.

And the nothingness behind nothingness,

I stare into the cracks between bricks

And beyond, into forgotten dreams, hearing

Ancient winds, distant lovers…

That gunk that accumulates between neurons,

That desire to tune out, to turn off.

To appreciate that which all ignore,

To bless the forgotten with awareness.

I stare blankly at my phone,

I stare blankly at my TV,

I stare blankly at my computer,

Those pixels sharp as hospital lights.

I stare blankly into my own madness,

Then, recalling those forgotten cracks

I am embraced by millions of lost souls

Whose eyes reveal they feel the same.

There is no comfort in the digital world,

That prison of evil emptiness!

Of trash that exists just to exist–

It holds nothing on my nothingness!

Every cigarette butt, every piece of gum,

Every ounce of that disgusting grime

Made a long journey to this destination,

From the beginning of time, from eternity.

From the big bang, 

To the grease in those cracks,

Everything has an origin

And an origin before that.

And then you too are staring into nothingness,

That perfect nothingness! What a gift.

When I came to from that endless daze,

I felt a depth of pain from all I’ve suffered

From the bottom of my heart 

to the ends of my veins.

I recalled a lesson long forgotten 

Which patiently flickered in the darkness:

This pain makes us human.

These moments of weakness,

Yearning, loneliness, doubt,

Are not to be ashamed of.

You’re alive,

No matter how much pain you carry.

You are still alive!

You can still fight, and 

You can still love.

There is still time.

Nothing can take that away from you.

Nothing!

That miracle is the guiding light

Never to be forgotten again.

I could see the weight in your smile

But to your friends it looked the same.

What’s the difference anyway?

Everyone’s smile looks like that, right?

There is no joy untainted by my burden

So you say.

When I saw that shameless smile

For the first time

I fell in love immediately.

What’s the difference, anyway?

The weight is still there, but somehow

Your joy found its liberation.

My greatest wish for the world is

That all can share that sweet smile.

I had written it off as myth for

My entire life until that day,

And how simple it was, the path

To free the joy we’ve always had!

How rich you can be

With nothing but a smile,

With nothing but that freedom

Which nobody can take away from you.