waiting to live

Ah that momentous day 

For our class to leave the nest

And take on the world!

The sun was high

And the smiles were wide,

But not mine.

I had no one beside me,

And I tried to hide my stunted wings

Built on years of glue and wax, for

I knew I could not deceive 

A single member of my class.

It was time to face the facts.

While others revelled in their friendships,

Lovers, and family,

I sat there alone, and I cried,

I tried to hide my tears, but couldn’t.

I was so lonely I felt it burning,

As if it would dissolve my stomach

And spill my guts into the world

As I had done so many times 

Before potential friends and lovers,

Scared them off in droves, I did.

And still, almost 10 years on,

I sing the same song,

Slightly less lonely now

But with no illusions.

The path I’ve chosen to walk is fraught

With self doubt

And chosen suffering.

Because to honor my heart is to reject

So much of convention that I’ll never,

Ever fool anyone, much less myself

That I can be embraced by everyone

The way I want to be.

But I’ll be god damned

If I don’t create the world that I want,

Even if it’s made of wax!

Though I may never take flight,

In my little corner of life

I am building a resplendent garden 

For any and all to come

And revel in unconditional acceptance.

See you there!