waiting to live

This is it for me,

There’s nothing else to life.

Some days, it’s more than I could dream,

Some days, it’s nothing at all,

And all of that is mental.

Some days, I need everything I don’t have,

Some days I have everything I don’t need.

Some days I can’t smile,

I can’t dream, 

And I can’t trust anyone.

Some days I believe in love,

Some days I don’t.

More days than not I don’t these days.

Even though I love my family dearly,

Even though I go so far for love

It feels like nobody does for me,

Even though I know

That’s not true.

I feel bad that I feel that way sometimes,

I know it’s not true

But also it is, in a sense.

I know everyone has their own circumstances 

And I choose to care this much,

But I wonder what it would be like

If I knew someone who cared the same?

Maybe everyone does,

And they just can’t say it. 

What a shame! 

It eats me alive,

What tears I’ve shed thinking of it.

In this way and many others

I am so very alone,

And there is no cure

Even if I surround myself with people.

I don’t let anyone close,

I don’t trust them,

I don’t believe in them.

In this way I’ve nailed my coffin shut,

And truly, deeply, 

I am exhausted.

With my self imprisonment nearing its completion

With what energy will I stumble back to the world?