waiting to live

The sun still rose the day after my heart broke

And the day after that it rose again,

And the facade I shed when you tore me up

Was a part of me that was already dead,

A hollow image of the person

You expected me to be.

Now I laugh and say good riddance,

For what came next was honesty:

I’m not and will never be perfect.

I will never be someone’s image of me.

I can only be the way I am,

To the right person that will be enough.

And I love that, I love my honesty,

I love my imperfections and those of others.

Everyone else can dream

Their sweet, empty, broken dreams

Without me,

Since I was never truly there to begin with.

Once, someone asked me what love means:

Not the dictionary definition,

But what I think love means.

I’ve been searching for the answer ever since,

Every time I’ve thought I understood love

It has called me to grow, to evolve,

To become stronger, wiser, and more kind

Than I thought possible.

In times of weakness,

Love has humbled me with its abundance.

Sheltered me in its resolve, 

Cloaked me in its fearlessness,

And bathed me in its redemption–

That it would even shine itself

On the distorted, shambling creature

That blossomed from my suffering.

I wandered the long night of doubt,

Searched for relief in all the wrong places,

And stumbled into the candle of love

With its foolish, innocent, majestic faith.

Though now I walk straight,

Proud for my love, and shining

Through myself with its colors,

I long to share my favorite one.

Now I understand at least

I may never be able to answer that question,

Yet the question itself was the greatest gift 

I’ve ever received.

My loneliness has become so vast

And I am less than dust in its midst,

My heart melts into the night sky

And drifts among the dancing stars–

Eternally youthful, vibrant, endless, yet

Impossibly far away, unreachable,

Untouchable.

And I am nothing to them.

When hope is too painful to hold,

When its thorns pierce my hands through

I let it go, time and time again

And suffering carves me further still.

And that blade of suffering,

Inseparable from hope, and love,

Makes this cavernous heart unbearable.

And yet,

In that gnawing space, one day

even greater joy, 

and one day, perhaps,

A love greater than I could imagine

Will fill me once again,

And that is all it takes to make this worth it.

I believe this, and only this.

Time has sanded down everything else.

This is my sincerest hope,

And I have yet to let go of it.

So I tied it up gently

With a discarded piece of red yarn,

And I follow it still, foolishly,

Knowing it will lead me astray.

My Savior and tormentor,

My chain and my freedom.

You laid there quietly,

The light outlining your hair,

And to me that was enough.

But I was never enough,

I chased your perfection

Until I forgot myself,

I whipped myself for you

Until I collapsed in exhaustion.

I am too kind I’ve been told,

But without this kindness

I don’t know myself.

The times I’ve thrown it away

Were the times I was lost.

And when I’ve found it again

With steadier hands,

It was just as pure,

But sharper and more precious 

Than it ever was before.

My kindness is not free,

But wishing it could be 

Is also part of what makes me.

These days I am more thoughtful

And I protect my kindness.

For in the right moment,

Like the sun framing the image

Of a tortured love,

That kindness will lift a feather

Or a grain of suffering for someone.

And to have caused trouble to so many–

To have hurt, 

To have betrayed,

To have manipulated,

It is the least I can do to make amends.

This long, lonely road I’ve walked

Since I had my heart shattered

Has brought me such joy,

Such pain,

And such longing

That I thought I could not bear it.

Yet I do,

And I continue to struggle

Against all odds,

Against the countless losing bets

I make,

Time, and time, and time again.

What else is there to do

But love and lose?

I have no madness left

To run from myself again.

As foolishly as I weep,

I am far too old

Not to follow my heart

Wherever it takes me.

Back again, you.

With that familiar laugh,

And a vacuum of silence following

The weight of your fading smile.

Like a memory drifting out of mind,

A snowflake,

Or dandelion plumes evading

The grasp of my curious hand.

You–

Like the winter night falling

The stillness, the emptiness

And that sparkle in the snow

Or your eyes.

I almost caught a glimpse 

Of something lost so long ago.

But it’s far too cold here

To keep the flame of hope alive.

I was chasing a runaway train,

The dreams of you beyond my horizon,

Your silhouette at the edge of my sight,

And I find I’m back to déjà vu.

You.

I wake again, restless

And wander the alleys of my heart

To yearn for this fleeting light

I could almost envision–

You,

Back again.

To haunt me with the melody

Of a love abandoned to the past.

And though I falter,

Though I fear for what the future holds

And my knees are weak with doubt,

I am determined to know you.

No matter how long it takes,

Or how afraid I am of the pain it brings.

I hope you can be proud of me.

Humbly offering all of myself to love,

Sharing kindness, respect, and wisdom

To anyone, and to everyone.

To those who would accept it

And especially to those who wouldn’t.

Even to those that hurt me

And wish ill upon me.

Their suffering is deeper than mine,

For they don’t understand how much they suffer,

Blind to the cloak of dawn I wear,

They wander that long night as did I.

For years I tried to look away,

But the eyes of love can see no evil.

We are children, bearing ancient wounds

Inflicted by our self betrayals.

In the world I live in

There can be no enemies,

There is no room in my heart

To store grudges anymore.

Under the eaves of true love

All are welcome.

None shall be turned away.

This is my gospel.

To every weary soul I meet

I offer shelter gracefully,

With a strength that is not my own

But humbly granted to me.

This timeless duty to protect

Is a golden nectar of life,

And so fruits I grow in love

Are forbidden to no one.

And I,

I will never die

Even when I’m long forgotten:

Where there is kindness

Rooted in the unshakable duty

To protect the light in this world,

I will be there.

This is my legacy.

My spirit is as one,

With the many who came before me

And the many who will succeed me:

The warriors who protect this world.

It has been the greatest honor.

To offer the meager grain of rice

That is my loving spirit

At the feet of any who would have me

Is more than enough to live and die for.

How long have I let myself exist in this world

A fragmented soul

Dimming it’s own light

To prevent anyone from looking too close

And realizing the tragic details,

The chaos, the loneliness behind everything.

How long have I hid myself away from the world

Here, in the valley of darkness,

In the gutter where the world’s sorrow gathers

I am starting fires, singing songs 

And gathering strength for the long journey.

I’m tired of hiding here.

I miss the sunlight.

I want to sing to the breeze,

To the ocean,

To anyone

Who will listen.

I’ve stopped wondering why

And I am coming to accept 

The people I can’t change,

The situations I can’t change

And the wounds I can’t heal.

I wish desperately to be

A force of love and peace,

But this leg my journey has been

A lesson in fragility,

A reminder that everyone lives

In their own perceived world:

Often one where they overlook the pain

And loneliness in their loved ones,

Not by intention, but by exhaustion.

With a veneer of happiness

We say our pleasantries

And so little of substance.

And then we move on

We get on the highway, or a flight,

And we go back to our secluded worlds

Where so little of what matters

Is shared across these great divides,

The pain, the love, the yearning.

The truths of our hearts

Packed deep into those suitcases.

And I realize this is outside my control,

While I lay my dirty laundry out,

My loved ones look beyond it still

And see me as they hope me to be:

For my strength, the facade of stability,

Of happiness, of hope,

But I want them to see me

And the rags that pile around my heart.

Countless nights crying alone

Reliving my painful memories,

Bearing the weight of empathy,

Working tirelessly to grow.

I want everyone to see me

Beyond the smile I face the world with 

And appreciate me for my weakness,

My bitter aspirations

And the foolish hope I suffer.